A family again
by Andy-qinxin
Summary: When Alex Blake arrives home after "Demons", she had made up her mind about something while she realizes that there are problems she can't keep avoiding.


Summary: When Alex Blake arrives home after "Demons", she had made up her mind about something while she realizes that there are problems she can't keep avoiding.

A/N: It's just sort of a follow-up about what happened when Blake went home after leaving Spencer's apartment. And it's my way of feeling better about the character's leaving cause I really started to like her during season 9. One-shot

Please note that English is not my first language.

Spoilers alert.

I don't own anything. Otherwise Alex wouldn't be leaving the show. God I'm sooooo gonna miss her!

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She made up her mind during the cab ride. In fact she was so preoccupied that the driver called out "ma'am" twice before she realizes that she had arrived back at home.

To her surprise, the living room light was still on. James is still here. Despite the fact that it's Tuesday 2AM.

_He should have been in Boston._ She said to herself opening the front door. _There is no way he left the light on, did he?_

He was there, standing by the window, coffee in hand. "Hey," he said.

Alex dropped her purse on the couch, "hey." She squeezed a smile.

"We need to talk." His tune was plain, almost without emotion.

Alex's stomach dropped. It wouldn't take a profiler to realize something was wrong when your spouse act like this. Not when he should have been in another city in the middle of the night. "Can we do this some other time? I'm exhausted."

He shrugged.

And she sighed. "Alright, what is it?"

She had things she needed to talk to him as well. This was just not the way to do it. It felt so weird, so not like them.

He started after they both sat on the couch, on the far ends of it. "Alex, I've been thinking. And it's hard to say out loud, but, eh, I think I might have to."

The distance between them was making her feel uncomfortable.

"When I came back from Africa, I had hoped that we'd have a life together again. Yes I didn't think about your job when I accepted the offer. But being back in the States, living a regular life again, it got me thinking, a lot."

The atmosphere is thick, she felt as if she couldn't breathe any more. "What are you trying to say, James?"

And it broke his heart to hear her voice shaking. How cruel is him to do this to her, after all these years, after all that they had been through together?

"I'm saying, maybe we should rethink about our marriage."

The speed of his tune made it feel even more painful for her.

"We both know what draw us apart in the first place, why I kept running away back to work with Doctors without Borders. And it's something we would never get over with. But that shouldn't define us. I thought there was a chance to start over again when Harvard made that offer to me. But I was wrong. This, your job, is what matters to you most. We don't want the same thing in our lives any more. So, why are we keeping each other from moving on?" James spoke with his eyes glued to the floor. When he finally looked up, he saw the tears hanging from her face.

"So, you're saying, this—us is over?!" Her voice broke.

"I want you to rethink about us, about yourself. That's it." With that he stood up to leave the house. "I think I should try to catch the six o'clock flight."

She was a profiler for crying-out-loud's sake! How could she have missed the signs?

And what even more painful is that James was right. Seeing James made her mind going back to Ethan all the time. The memories were too much. It must have been the same for him. Otherwise why he couldn't stand being around. No, it was harder on him than on her. What destroys a doctor even more than watching his own son die over the years and not being able to do anything? That's why he went to Afghanistan, Congo, Darfur and all those other places. He felt useful there. He could save lives there.

They are damaged goods. Both of them are.

And now he's leaving her.

Alex Blake could feel her world scattering into pieces.

"I did!" she shouted out loud the split second before his hands reached the door knob.

His motions stopped. His turning back was painfully slow, with not looking at Alex.

"I'm gonna quit the job." She blurted out. "I've decided. I just can't do this anymore. And you are right, there are more important things. That part of my life is over now; I am not that hot-shot linguist profiler anymore. This field agent thing is not my game anymore. Those I lost are what I want back most."

She talked so fast and with a choking voice, James was not getting her at all.

And when he raised his head, she was standing in the middle of the hallway, dark circles around her swollen teary eyes. _Wait, she had been crying before. No way that the past five minutes got her eyes so red._

"What happened?" He asked. This time, his voice was gentler.

"A lot."

"Hey, talk to me."

She sat back down on the couch, trying to figure out how to tell James the whole thing. It's not like she wasn't thinking about doing so during the cab ride. It's what James just said that had her mind turned into a mess. And being that emotional all of a sudden, she felt as if the memories two days ago were like a life time away.

"We got into this crossfire Sunday night, and when I tried to pull back this wounded officer, I forget the basics. I made myself a perfect target in the line of shooting. And Reid, this kid in our unit, he…he shouted, he tried to cover for me…and… and he got shot." Alex buried her face in her hands as she spoke. "I tried to stop the bleeding. But there was just so much blood coming out. You know, I can feel his life slipping away in-between my fingers. And I don't know why, I just… I saw Ethan, dying right in front of me all over again."

She was sobbing badly when James moved closer to her, took her in his arms. He didn't know how to comfort her. It's something they hadn't talk about in years and something he knows better than bringing up. It's what had kept them apart. The raw pain is simply still there, deep down in both of their hearts.

She wiped the tear away minutes later, pushing his chest away a bit and pulling herself back into a sitting position. "It should have been me." She added.

"You know that's not true." James squeezed her hands a bit, as though to give her some sort of strength.

She shrugged. "I was at the hospital, you know, until he woke up. And it, just, felt like that night, so much. I can't stop thinking that if he dies; I'd lose my boy all over again."

All James can think of doing is listening. It felt like the last thing he could do.

"Maybe, this job is too much for me now. When I got demoted 11 years ago, all I could think of was how to rebuild my reputation in the bureau and work my way back to the BAU. But working on this team now, it's like I've reached the final goal already and there seems to be no other thing in it worth fighting for any more. I mean, what else am I to get out of this Supervisory Special Agent job? And plus, I'm not in the same physical condition as those thirty-year-olds."

"You sure about this?" James spoke up after Alex went silent for a couple of minutes.

"Yeah. We went to pick up this kid to take him to the safe house yesterday so that his mother would finally talk to us. I couldn't stop thinking how those mothers, despite what they have done, no matter how messed up they are, they just want their child to be safe. We get cases like this once in a while." The expression on Alex's face is like she is laughing at herself. "But I don't get to do that. I failed my son, our son. I know he said he was ready to go. And I know how we used to comfort each other. Yet the truth is that I blame myself too much."

"You know that I felt the same, don't you?" It sounded stupid the second those words slipped from his mouth. She's a profiler after all. And they knew each other all too well.

She didn't speak for minutes. Neither did him. The thought of their son consumed their mind, again.

"I miss him." It was almost a whisper. She wiped the escaped tear drop away.

"I know. I miss him too."

"You were right. We should move on. You came back from that god-knows-where country. I don't have the drive to work that hard in me. So, perhaps, we should find a new direction for our life."

"So, you're coming to Boston?"

"Yeah, why not? I mean, a normal life after years of chasing psycho-killers can't be that bad."

"That, that would be…great."

She felt almost relieved. What a weird night. The decision of quitting wasn't hard. It was just the right decision. Of course she would miss the team and the amazing job they do, yet it's time to settle down. And with no indication, the sky fall off and she managed to get things back in order in minutes. It was just exhausting, and weird.

James moved closer towards her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder to pull her closer.

After resting her head on his shoulder for a few minutes, she decided it was time to tell him this wild idea of hers. "James, I was thinking…"

Scott was right; she sucks at communication with those close to her.

"Yeah?"

She took a deep breath._ You've only got this one chance to get what you want for the rest of your life_, she told herself.

"I want us to be a family again, not just a couple."

She looked down at the floor, missing his motion of raising an eyebrow.

"Huh?"

"Er… I was trying to say…" One thing bothering her for years it that how comes she could talk an unsub into putting the weapon down nine times out of ten and still couldn't find her voice when it comes to her family, and all those she care about. And unsurprisingly, she owed the BAU team a proper explanation. _Well, that's not urgent now. Get back on earth, Alex!_

"I was trying to say, I want us to adopt a child."

James Blake stared at his wife for a solid minute before saying "that's a good idea" and kissing her gently on the forehead.

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